This article is about owning your energy, awareness, and boundaries.

Defending expends time and energy often in situations that aren't open to see you the way you see yourself.

Boundaries are an important part of maintaining our sense of self; self-respect, self-love, and living in integrity to our values.

NOTE: If you don’t know what your boundaries are look at the areas and situations in your life that bring up anger, hurt, or disappointment. These are likely areas where your boundaries have been violated and perhaps you have not enforced proper repercussions.

Sometimes requests are mistaken for boundaries, such as asking someone to not call you names. But that puts the onus on someone else when, really, your boundaries are about you. What will your response be if someone breaks your boundary? While you may ask someone to not call you names or to speak with you in a certain tone, it’s up to you to alert this person about your boundary when they cross it or maybe before they break it. Do what's needed, to remove yourself from the situation and respect your self-worth.

Remember boundaries can change and are likely to develop as you grow or situations evolve, and they help you maintain your sense of self and honor your values and beliefs – including how you deserve to be treated (which is hopefully with love, respect, honor, and appreciation).

Enforcing boundaries means just that; you assert the treatment you will accept (which is, hopefully with kindness, love, respect, honor, and appreciation).

So, why not defend yourself? Isn’t that a part of enacting your boundary?

While boundaries can keep you safe, it’s a different protection than what defending offers. Aside from a physical attack, defense hinders more than helps in most situations.

Not defending yourself does NOT mean sitting back and allowing someone to hurt you.

This is where boundaries come in. We can walk away from situations we don't want to be in. We can describe the scenario we’re willing to engage in, where both sides feel heard and understood.

If we step back and look at the picture of someone defending themselves, rarely do we see the opposing side react/respond with compassion and understanding. When someone is on the “attack” a defense is likely to inspire digging heels into their perspective rather than a receptive recognition of either side of the dynamic.

And let’s be honest — not everyone is ready to realize their contribution to an interaction, nor a shift in perspective of you or your experience. And that’s okay. Sometimes even we remain blind to our own impacts, it's a process of learning, and unlearning and relearning. May we have compassion for where we are on our journey, and for the unique path of others, AND...

It’s NOT our work to change anyone but ourselves, and in truth, we can’t change others. We can influence others and be Peaceful Leaders. But we can only work on, change, and create ourselves.

We can pray for, love, bless, and hope the best for others; we can offer assistance, but not at the cost of ourselves.

Defending yourself is not the same as standing up for yourself. Sometimes the biggest way we can stand up for ourselves is by walking away from a person, place or situation.

It’s important to know when to speak your truth (and to practice the ability to express your true feelings and needs), and to remember that communication takes 2 - one to share, and the other to listen to understand. From there we can observe whether or not someone is respecting us, our values, and our boundaries.

Perhaps it’s time to audit your feelings and needs. See where your boundaries may need to be maintained, enforced, or created. It’s never too late to be true to yourself.

You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. It's your right to have boundaries.

Interested in Empathy?

Click here to book an Empathy Listening Session and/or join this Empathy / NVC Workshop Waitlist to find out when that’s popping off.